She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
