I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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