I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
He shit in the fireplace
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
