He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
