If that was your dad, he is hot
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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