Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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