I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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