so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
