This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
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