he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
You are the jesus of drinking
Randomize
