You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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