I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
