I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
