That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize