I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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