When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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