Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
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