Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I'm determined to sit on that face.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
