The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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