I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
