When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
It's no shave November. This is our time.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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