My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Randomize
