I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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