i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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