woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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