dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
