You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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