I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
