Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
