I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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