his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
