Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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