yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
