the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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