He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
