I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
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