Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
cat food counts as protein by the way
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
