Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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