Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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