The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
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