Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
