Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
