My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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