I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
