She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
