I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
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