If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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