Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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