My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
