I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
