its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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