Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
where does the pee come out of this thing
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
