Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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