pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
