and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
