If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
