Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
