Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
